03
Sep

Goodbye, My Dearest Ana – Quitting Anorexia

Topic / disordered eating, mental health

We met when I was really young.  I was really small when I heard my mom say she was fat, when I heard my dad tell me how lazy and gross people were that HAD fat.  Ana was there, then.  She held my hand tight and told me that no matter what, if I was with her I would never be THAT.  “Stick with me.  We’ll never be fat.”  Even though I didn’t need her help then, I always knew she was there.  She was my safety net.

At age seven and eight I started hearing praise for how skinny I was.  “You’re so small.  You’re so THIN.  LOOK AT HOW SKINNY YOUR LEGS ARE.”  Ana didn’t do much at that point to earn that praise, but she liked it.  It FED her.  She felt happiest when I heard such things.  I felt happiest when I heard such things.
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02
Sep

Letting Go of Addiction Hurts – Recovery and Grief

Topic / disordered eating, mental health

It’s been about six weeks.  For about six weeks I’ve been trying to say goodbye to Ana.

I just haven’t been able to do it.

And believe me, I’ve really been trying. The fact I’m talking about her AT ALL should indicate that I’m making progress.
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25
Aug

Finding Yourself After Trauma – Learning to Live Again

Topic / mental health

Through the process of writing I’ve come to realize that I’ve experienced some pretty rough stuff in my life.

[I can hear you now.  “UM… are you freaking kidding me?  I read your blog.  Of COURSE the stuff you’ve been through is rough.  Have YOU read your blog?  MAYBE YOU SHOULD.”]

Yes, I have.  (I love it when you speak up, by the way.)  But before I thought things through far enough to write the stuff down I didn’t see it as ROUGH STUFF, I just saw it as STUFF.  Stuff that’s always been there.  Stuff that I’ve dealt with FOREVER.  It’s always been that way, so it never struck me as anything HARD.  Or heavy.  Or painful, or something that I felt I could change.  It just was.
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23
Aug

The Power of Refuge – Finding A Place of Peace in the Storm

Topic / mental health

ref·uge  [ref-yooj]  (n) :

1.  shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.
2.  a place of shelter, protection, or safety.
3.  anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.

========================================

Have you ever felt refuge?

Have you ever felt like you NEEDED it.

I firmly believe that the difference between someone that comes out of a pile of shit with hope and compassion, versus someone that comes out cynical and hard, is how much refuge they were able to find during their struggles.
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22
Aug

Accountability and Parenting – Get Up and Make an Impact

Topic / parenting and leadership

Yesterday my older son was scheduled for kindergarten screening.  We piled in the car and headed to the elementary school, siblings in tow.

After brief introductions and an explanation of the process, the soon-to-be kindergarteners were whisked away to the testing room.  Parents were left to finish paperwork, read information on the school policies, sign consent forms, and wait.  And wait, and wait.

Many of the other parents had siblings with them also, some younger and some older.  Force-of-habit head count came up with ten kids altogether.

Some of those kids were more of a handful than others.
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19
Aug

Stained Does Not Mean Unclean… Healing After Sexual Assault

Topic / mental health

I’ve been keeping an ugly secret since I was six years old.

I kept quiet for a lot of reasons, the biggest being shame.  MY shame.  I am ashamed of myself, ashamed of the circumstances I allowed myself to be in, ashamed of my stains.  It’s never a fun thing to admit that you’ve made a mistake, even if the mistake wasn’t completely your fault.  The secrets I keep have enveloped me in shame for all of my life.  In fact, shame has been a fundamental part of my emotional make up for so long that I don’t really even notice that it’s there anymore.  I ALWAYS feel shame.  Humiliating, shoulder drooping, brow beating shame is just a part of my everyday self.

I think the second reason I’ve kept my disgusting secrets is to protect people.  To protect myself, of course, from the shame I just talked about and from punishment for my actions, but also to protect the people I feel I’m supposed to protect.  Namely my family.  My parents.  My parents, and the people my parents care about.

If they ever find this blog post online….   Sorry Mom.  For being stained, and for being damaged.  And for failing to be everything I could have been.  And Dad, please don’t kill anyone.  I know you’ll want to, and that’s okay.  It just means you love me.
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18
Aug

When Fear Holds You Back – How to Overcome Fear

Topic / mental health

When I was a kid I loved, loved, loved scary movies.  I STILL like scary movies, I prefer them over almost every other kind.  But as a kid I REALLY loved them, way more than a little kid should.

My mom was careful and conservative about our TV watching, but I always managed to sneak in the scary stuff anyways.  Occasionally I spent the night with friends or cousins whose families were more liberal with the television.  Also I had an Uncle Mike… he always liked to watch scary stuff, too, so when he was around and the TV was on I would …linger.  And wait, and watch, and hopefully I would see something frightening.  Something that made my heart race and blood pound in my ears.  The scarier the better.  I craved the adrenaline rush, the tingly thrill that started at the back of my neck then skittered down my spine, across my skin, and then exploded at the end of every finger and toe.
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18
Aug

How to Love Your Body Even Though Change is Slow

Topic / The Body Image Project

Progress might not be what you think it is.

In our heads we have a WAY things are supposed to go.  I do, anyways.  It’s what I do.  I have plans, and ideas, and dreams.  And MORE plans.  I have plans that are stuck so far down inside my brain folds that I don’t even know they’re there until they don’t happen, and then I get angry, and I usually don’t know why. (Ask The Mister, he has to put up with my didn’t-actually-make-a-plan-that-fell-through temper tantrums OFTEN.)

These progress pictures are kind of like THAT.
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14
Aug

Parenting Isn’t Perfect – Making Mistakes as a Mom

Topic / parenting and leadership

Today was a fun day for the kids.  Today was DENTIST day.

The dentist office we go to is AWESOME, complete with cartoons and movies and a play structure better than most public malls.  Like most days that we visit the dentist, the play place was packed full.  I counted five families and at least twelve kids.

I was sitting on one side of the VERY large room with my nose in a book, waiting for the hygienist to call the kids back for their checkups.  Mace and Norah were in normal busy-busy-busy mode, running and climbing and jumping off the tallest toy to my right.  Wulf was playing on the other side of the room on the other side of a large pillar.  I couldn’t see him from where I was sitting.

Suddenly in a very loud voice from across the room an older man yelled, “HEY YOU, you in the black shirt, HEY YOU.” I looked up thinking “WTF, buddy.”  As I glanced around to see where the noise was coming from I met his eye, realized he was talking to ME, and he said “Is this your kid?”
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06
Aug

The Power of Choice – Never Be Helpless Again

Topic / mental health

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there’s one utterance that boils my blood faster than anything else on the planet.

“I don’t have a choice.”

My ears are steamy, hot, pressure-gauge red even as I type that.

I really do hate that sentence.  And I’m a very tolerant and patient person that doesn’t “hate.”  Very rarely do I even use that word, but I use it now.  I HATE THAT SENTENCE, and I. HATE. every idea it represents.
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