27
Sep

Body Fear and Shower Day – your worth is not in pounds of flesh

Today was shower day.

I hate shower day.

I have been an anorexic, bulimic, body dysmorphic for as long as I can remember.  I remember intentionally overeating at my seventh birthday.  I remember testing to see how long I could go without food when I was eight, faking a stomach ache to ensure I wouldn’t have to eat dinner.  I remember hating my body before I even knew what all my parts were for, feeling fat inside my still-from-the-little-girls-section jeans.

The sexual abuse started at age six.

The physical abuse started at age seven.

The scars and stains that you cannot see, the ones I’m JUST NOW starting to see myself, are still there.

I really, really, REALLY hate shower day.

On shower day, I have to get naked.  Read More

30
Mar

How to Never be a Victim Again – Sexual Harassment and Seatbelts

A couple months ago, I went grocery shopping at Walmart in my black, Lulu yoga pants.

Commando.

BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK, “No.”   This is not a common occurrence.  I do not generally run around without underpants.  I am, in fact, a lover of underpants, and almost every pair of my underpants are of the granny variety.  I think they’re technically called “boy cut,” like men’s briefs only a bit slimmer through the hip, but still.  I have as much fabric in my underpants as I do in my sports bra.

[Sad, but absolutely true.  Itty Bitty Titty Committee founding member, call sign “Skittles.”]

i-accidentally-bought-granny-panties-but-damn-if-they-arent-comfy-as-shit-ac95aRead More

26
Feb

How to Love Your Body – photos and fear

For those of you that follow, you’ll know all about this.

The Body Image Project

goal

Through this Project, you will construct a deeper level of comfort with and acceptance of your body.  When executed as intended, the Project will help you to develop a relationship with your body that is positive, welcoming, peaceful, and harmonious.

procedure

To participate in The Body Image Project, take photos of your body every day, according to the schedule below.  Once you have taken your daily picture, look at it.  REALLY LOOK.  Think about the part of your body you’ve photographed, then sit in meditation or write out answers to the questions that follow.Read More

09
Oct

How to Hate Your Body – Scale Worship

I am a Body Dysmorphic.

In scientific terms, that means I am “characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in my appearance.”  It means I struggle with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive thoughts about the way I look.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, it means I have a chronic mental illness.

(That should probably bother me, but it doesn’t really… I always knew I was a little bit crazy.)

In layman’s terms, Body Dysmorphia means “I don’t like my body.”  There are parts I would even say I hate.  I don’t hate all of the parts, just some.  And, those parts I hate, I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about them.  They’re always there.  Whereas most (normal) people exist in their skin without giving their body much thought, I think about my body all. the. time.Read More

16
Sep

The Skill of “Good Enough” – Being Great, Just As You Are

So…  I’m kind of a perfectionist.

[I can hear the people who know me best, snorting and laughing.  My brother’s guffaws are loudest.  JUST SHUSH, BROTHER.  I KNOW.]

Really though, JUST KIND OF.  I’m kind of a perfectionist.

My brother’s laughter is not without warrant.  I used to be an over-the-top, anal retentive, angry, bossy, OCD, anxiety ridden, control freak perfectionist.  I’m not anymore.  [Seriously guys, really.]  

After years and years of driving myself into the dirt, setting personal goals to deliver the world and then feeling like a failure if I didn’t OVERdeliver the whole effing universe, hating myself for never living up to what I could be instead of what I AM, I got tired of it.

Sure, there are still things that I get clenchy about.

Like making my bed.  I can go from zero to bitchface in the same amount of time it takes a small child to jump into my halfway-made bed, which (I have found) is less than one second.  I like straight, tight sheets and covers, pillows plumped just right, cases clean and all facing the same direction.  Once the bed is made I don’t expect it to stay that way, but while I’m making it, BACK OFF.

I like my closet arranged “just so.”  I arrange all the shirts on matching hangers, facing the same direction, in order of sleeve length and sub-categorized by color, partially because it makes me happy, but also because I can tell simply by looking which shirts are in the laundry, and what color laundry needs to be done next.

Read More

19
Aug

The Body Image Project – “total package”

August 19.

When you look at your body, what do you see?

I have hated my body almost all of my life.

Today, looking back, I see that I was (more than a little bit) nuts for feeling that way.

Seriously.  Just look.

1277670_161831450679324_350921373_o

This was my 16 year old self, and in this picture I was one hundred fifty bajillion percent convinced that I was disgustingly fat.Read More

05
Aug

The Body Image Project – “chicken legs”

August 5.

So, I’ve got long legs.

I’ve got REALLY long legs.  For my height, 29.7″ is the average inseam length.

Mine is 34″.

[And because I know you’ll ask, average inseam for a female is about 45% of her total height.  I am 66″ tall, .45 x 66 = 29.7″.  I geek out now.  Math is good.]

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month thinking about my body.  I’ve dissected it apart, taken photographs, talked about all the things I’ve found.  I’ve done some great introspection as to the parts of me I don’t like, and I’ve learned more about why I don’t like those parts.

For the most part, the only parts of me that are left to talk about are the ones I actually like.

As it turns out, writing and examining the parts of me I like is almost harder than dealing with the parts I don’t.

I would guess that for most of us habitual body-haters, talking about our good parts is hard.  I spent a lot of years hating myself, and during the darkest parts of self-disgust I did not one time praise myself for my …well, for anything.

Why is that, do you think?  Why do we do that?

I’m sure I could have found SOMETHING nice to say about myself.  I’m sure, if I’d looked, I would have found one physical attribute to praise.

I didn’t even look.

I didn’t even TRY.Read More

29
Jul

The Body Image Project – “girly bits”

July 29.

Girly bits.

You know… girly bits.

Labia.  Vagina.  Clitoris.

Privates.  

Meat curtains.  Ham sandwich.  The Beaver.  The Wet Cave.  Poontang.  Hair Pie.  Box.  Bunny.  Cootch.  Cooter.  Lower Lips.  Muff.  Patch.  Jelly Roll.  Juice Box.  Treasure Chest.  Pink Taco.  Trench.  Split Tail.  Bird’s nest, homemade slit pie, pelt, Happy Valley, poke hole, love tunnel, Lady Jane.

(I could keep going, there are, like, a billion of them.)
(“NO, I’m not that well versed in girl part euphemisms.”  I had to look them up.)
(On a loosely related note, be careful when you search “female genitalia” online, the results are …violating.  I feel like I need to wash my eyes out with soap.)

(And before you freak out, “No.”  I’m not going to put a picture of my bits in this blog post.)

Of all the parts of the female anatomy, genitalia are the most female.  Duh, right?  It’s THE THING that makes us “girl.”  It’s the part that defines our womanhood, it’s the area of our body used to grow and deliver more people into the world.

Ironically enough, it is also the part we speak the least about, and the part that is hardest to look at and get to.

I bet I offended people just with that list of words up there, and I haven’t even really SAID anything yet.

Sad, right?

I could write volumes about the female genitalia and the impact it has on our lives.  VOLUMES.  We could talk about gender identity.  Or sexual empowerment.  We could talk about masturbation.  We could discuss the beauty of birth, the biological function and purpose of our labia (major and minor), how to get the most out of your vagina, or why you should be thankful for your clitoris in all its glory.  We could explore the ideas of sexuality, culture, marriage, shame, intimacy, hormones, menstruation, sexual development, rape, suffrage, discrimination, feminism, or female sexual response.

See, volumes.

We could write volumes and volumes on female genitalia, because each of the issues above is linked to and triggered by the presence of girly bits.  When I say “let’s talk about girl parts,” we really could go anywhere with the conversation and still be within the confines of the topic at hand.

Amazing.Read More

17
Jul

The Body Image Project – “stay abreast”

(Just a heads up, this post contains some explicit images.)

July 16.

Most parts of the human body remain gender neutral.

Hands, for example.  Both boys and girls have them.  Legs.  Arms.  Wrists, knees, neck, collar bones, stomach, back, buttcheeks.  Almost all parts of the body are common to both male and female of the species.  When I compare myself to my male counterpart, there are a lot of ways we are similar.  Although the length and size and girth and strength of our equivalent parts differ due to my feminine designation, the parts are the same.  Thighs are thighs, mouths are mouths, hair is hair.

All parts are the same, save two – genitalia, and breasts.

And, since genitalia are tucked neatly and privately away inside our clothes, breasts are most obvious distinction between male and female anatomy.

Breasts are, as our culture tends to show us all the time, the part of our body that makes us women.

Yep, breasts = women.

Also, breasts can be round and soft.  Voluptuous.  Attractive.  They are feminine at any size.  In our culture, breasts are considered sexy.  They are stimulating both visually and physically, and regardless of perspective they are considered sexual organs, part of our reproductive process.  On a level of awareness that most people miss, they are loving and nurturing, almost divine in their ability to produce manna-like nourishment from nothing but water and breath.

Growing up, as it is for most girls, the arrival of my breasts was an anxious, exciting, butterfly-metamorphosis experience.  I waited so eagerly.  So impatiently.  Whenever I would walk through the mall or the clothing section at the grocery store, I’d drag my feet through the lingerie department.  “Hey, there’s bras over there, maybe we should look.  You know, just in case.”  I was READY.  I was ready to need a pretty undergarment.  I was ready to do that fancy clip-it-behind-your-back thing, and the strip-it-off-without-taking-off-your-shirt thing from Flashdance.  I wanted boobs, and all the other fancy, womany, grown-up things that went with them.

Finally, after waiting FOREVER, my breasts started to come in.  At the start they were little lumps pushing against the inside of my shirt, not visible from the outside of the fabric, but visible from the inside when I tucked my face inside the neckhole of my t shirt.  (And yes, in the beginning I did that a lot.  I was super excited, duh.)  They grew slowly, they moved from little lumps to modest bumps,

then they stopped growing.

oh. my. goodness.

Hi.  My name is Erin, and I am one of the founding members of The Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.  (call sign: skittles)Read More

16
Jul

The Body Image Project – “give her a hand”

July 15.

HI.  My name is Erin, and I have huge hands.

20150715_113416

HUGE.  And I’m not just saying that.  I’m not being particularly hard on myself, I’m being quite literal.  Most people agree with me.

I call them “man hands.”  My sister-in-law calls them “shman hands.”  In high school, my friends called them clubs.  Or catchers’ mitts.  Bear paws, man mitts, huge grips, lobster claws.  Fists of steel.  I have been called “Mitsy,” “Handsy,” “Shmanny,” “Slappy,” and “Gripsy.”

Almost all of these names are legitimate.Read More

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