10
Sep

The Illusion of Safety and Avoidance of Fear

Topic / mental health

When I lived in South Africa, the one thing I was told over and over by the natives was “Don’t travel after dark.” I said “okay,” and I really did try my best to accommodate that recommendation. Errands, particularly those that required a vehicle, were done in the morning or afternoon.

One day an out-of-town visit for some of the fellow missionaries and myself took longer than expected, and we were late getting back. The road that led to the very rural town we were staying in meandered through sugarcane fields, and there were no street lights. For the most part, there was no electricity of ANY kind where we were staying. (Living without a fridge was a new experience!)

Night fell.  Soon the headlights of the car were the only lights to be seen for miles around. Sugarcane loomed on each side, growing right up to the edge of the narrow, two lane road.

Suddenly and almost out of nowhere, there appeared a very large tree trunk in the road.  It was lying perpendicular to oncoming traffic and completely blocked the lane we were driving in.  We swerved the car to avoid it, but in the OTHER lane there was a small wall of boulders stacked to block traffic.  It was close – the sidewall of the tires scraped the edge of the rocks on one side – but we managed to navigate through.
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28
Aug

The Danger of Comparison – Building Your Worth On The Backs Of Others

Topic / mental health

I wonder if Eve thought she was fat.

You know, THE Eve.  Adam’s love, the woman that lived in the Garden of Eden.  THAT Eve.  The first woman around, the first woman created.  I wonder if she thought she was fat.

Regardless of your religious stance, whether you believe the story to be God breathed or purely fiction, take a minute to think about it.  I can see it perfectly in my head.

Eve wakes up for the first time, freshly formed from Adam’s rib, formed by the hand of God Himself, takes her first breath of God-filled air, looks down at her body, and says, “HOLY HIPS, GOD.  WTF.  Looook at how fat I am.  And this pudge.  (grabs skin around middle)  I am SO ANGRY.  THIS is what you dealt me?  I could have been ANY SHAPE, and THIS is the one you pick.  ARE YOU BLIND?  LOOK AT ME.  No one in the world is ever going to want me, I’m DISGUSTING.  You might as well name me the same as that thing over there.  (points to brand new cow)  (looks around, sees Adam)  Hey you, what’s your name?  Adam?  Hey, Adam, do you think these leaves make me look fat?”

[And yes, I know the leaves came later, but you get my point.]

In my mind I can see Eve, acting out the words and thoughts I’ve had with regard to myself and my body, and I can’t stop shaking my head.

I just don’t think she’d do that.
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30
Jul

“Selfish” is NOT a Four Letter Word. GET YOURS.

Topic / mental health

A very, very long time ago I made a hugely big-girl decision and put myself on birth control.

I did it even though I was married and he didn’t like it.

I did it even though I was a “natural family planner.”

I did it even though (according to religious doctrine) it was a no no to prevent conception, even though it supposed to be a mutual decision, even though I was supposed to be submissive to my husband’s direction, even though I had more or less committed to having four kids and not just three.

I did it without anyone else’s permission, without anyone else’s input, and without anyone else’s blessing.

Even though I never thought I’d be on birth control again after I stopped to have my first baby, even though I knew for sure I wanted more kids, I did it anyways.

I remember the day I made the decision.  I was nervous, excited, kind of sad.  I remember the rush of adrenaline that came with putting my foot down, and how much stronger I felt to take responsibility for my sexual identity and reproductive system.

I remember feeling sad, a little, that my body had to be “taken back” from the role of wife-mother-child-bearer, like the name tag I had worn on my chest for so long needed to be changed from all those other things to “Just Erin,” but I ALSO remember how right it felt to have a grain of control over my life and my body.

For the first time ever, on that day I took OWNERSHIP of myself, my destiny, and the trajectory of my life.

For the first time ever, I did something just for me.

My body, my rules, my life.

Sounds selfish, right?
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18
Jun

Emotional Control – Growing the Heart of a Lion

Topic / mental health

When I was a kid, whenever I would get upset about stuff at school, whenever I would say “so-and-so is mean” or “Sister is being a butthead,” my dad always replied in the same way.

“No one can make you feel anything unless you let them.”

I called “bullshit.”

My reaction was the same every time he said it.  “BULLSHIT AND WHATEVER.”

If someone does something shitty, I REACT.  I react hard, and usually I react ANGRY.  Anger is my go-to emotion.  I like angry.  Angry is safe.  Angry is mental jet fuel, and it pushes me past and over all the crap that stands in my way.  To say “no one can make you angry unless you let them” was just crazy talk. I was SURE of it.

except…  I’ve been thinking.  And I think I’ve figured something out, and I think I need to share it with you.

I think that he might be right.
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16
Jun

The Choice of Suicide – How to Cope with the Stupid Choices of Others

Topic / love and relationships, mental health

Sometimes life gets heavy.

Sometimes life gets REALLY, REALLY heavy, and all you can do to keep going is to get pissed.  GET MAD.  It helps.  The adrenaline and fury are like rocket fuel inside your head, and they will carry you through and over a lot of obstacles.

Just like any tank of fuel, though, it does run out eventually.

Yeah, the last week or so has kind of been like that.

I used to be married.  For ten years I was married.  On the outside our relationship looked great.  We attended church.  We had good friends.  We WERE good friends.  I was a good wife.  I kept the house clean, cooked, did laundry.  I did not complain about my position or station in our relationship; he was the head of the family and I was second-in-command.  All major decisions were made by him, financial, religious, spiritual, family, work.  I followed the Christian Creed, “wives submit to your husbands.”

I am a forgiving person.  I am a trusting person.  I let things go easily, as long as we’re willing to talk about it.

I let MOST things go easily.

Some things I just have a hard time with.  Some things I can’t easily let go of.
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29
Jan

How to Recognize Connection – Learning to See Depth

Topic / mental health

Depth is not something that everyone easily sees or consciously recognizes, but we all notice when it is there.

We also notice when it is NOT.

In my spare time I take pictures.  I come by the hobby honestly; my mother is Japanese (“Ooooh, taykoo peecktcha?”) and there are no less than twenty cameras at every family function no matter how many people show up.  In addition, my dad has always fostered a passion for photography.  Between the two of them, I grew up with a lens in my face most of the time.

I got my first SLR camera when I was 25.  It was a Christmas gift from my dad.  I “SQUEEE”d when I unwrapped the gift, opened the box immediately, and I never looked back.  I loved that thing.  It shot film, though, and after the first roll came back from the store I realized “WOW, I have a lot of learning to do.”  The pictures weren’t BAD, they were just “….meh.”  Uneventful, uninspiring.  They were pictures of events and the SURFACE of life, but no more than that.  A person could look through my photos and say “Oh yeah, I remember that, I forgot that guy was there, what was I thinking wearing that shirt?” but that’s about it.  My pictures did not tell a story, they did not inspire.
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26
Dec

What is Depth? Connecting to Others in a Disconnected World

Topic / love and relationships, mental health, parenting and leadership

For a very, very long time in my life, I felt lonely.  REALLY lonely, like I was the only person on the planet.  For all intents and purposes I should not have felt that way.  I was surrounded by people through work, family, friendships, church, in groups, online, and in my own house.  I had been married for 10 years and had (still have) three kids that I desperately loved.  In fact, almost all of my time was spent with people.  I hadn’t so much as peed alone for five years, but I still felt most of the time like I was the only one alive.

I felt like a tiny, isolated island in the middle of a choppy, wild ocean, my very existence completely unknown by anyone except myself, constantly beat on from all sides by waves that eroded me away.

I felt like a palm tree in the eye of a raging, savage, tearing storm, cemented in place and unable to move, small and insignificant, bowed and bent and victim to circumstances outside of my control.

Being inside my life felt like being stuck in slow motion on a busy sidewalk.  I was sweating and pushing to go faster, muscles straining and heart racing, trying to wave my arms and scream at the top of my lungs just to be NOTICED, but even with all possible effort I was invisible.  Forgotten.  People buzzed past me, bodies brushed by, and my omittable self was drown out by an endless cloud of blurred faces and swirling voices.

Being lonely when you’re all by yourself is one thing.  Being lonely when you’re surrounded by people that say they love you is something completely different, and infinitely worse.

It sucks.

And it happened ALL. THE. TIME.  It happens to all kinds of people, all the time.

In fact, at one point or another in your life I bet that it’s happened to you.
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18
Sep

How to Feel Good About What You’ve Got – The Power of Perspective

Topic / mental health

In an earlier part of my life I served as a missionary.  The experience crushed me and left me shattered and hollowed out.

But in a really good way.

Nkule, the day we took him in.

Nkule, the day we took him in.

This is Nkule.  He was born in Winterton, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.

Well, technically he was born OUTSIDE of Winterton, since the ACTUAL place he was born was a tiny hut made of mud and straw well outside of civilization.  No electricity, no running water, no plumbing of any kind.  At least a one hour hike to the nearest hand-pump well.  The clothes you see him wearing are the only clothes he owned.

I had seen Nkule for the first time about a week prior to the time of this photograph.  When I saw him he was clean and sitting with his sister, his two cousins, and his grandmother.  His grandma sought a meeting with “the missionaries” to seek counsel, and we had agreed to meet with her.
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04
Sep

Lessons for My Younger Self – Regret and Growth

Topic / mental health

I was thinking.

If you could travel back in time and find the younger version of yourself, what would you say?  What would you tell younger-you?

There are movies about such things.  A guy is older and hates his life, then goes back to talk to the younger version of himself to set things straight.  There are books and blogs that tell the same story, varied in one way or another.  I’m positive that almost every older person has daydreamed and wished for the ability to teach their younger-selves a lesson and prevent pain, or mistakes, or regret.

I don’t usually check the rear view, but every once in a while I think about “MAN, how awesome would it have been to know this-or-that when I was seventeen.”  I think about how differently things would have been for me as a kid if I’d known then what I know now.  Or how different my world would be right now if I’d made a different choice for school, or work, or relationships.  Like a line of dominoes, the first few tipping in a different direction would have laid down a whole separate path.

MAN I wish I would have known.
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03
Sep

Goodbye, My Dearest Ana – Quitting Anorexia

Topic / disordered eating, mental health

We met when I was really young.  I was really small when I heard my mom say she was fat, when I heard my dad tell me how lazy and gross people were that HAD fat.  Ana was there, then.  She held my hand tight and told me that no matter what, if I was with her I would never be THAT.  “Stick with me.  We’ll never be fat.”  Even though I didn’t need her help then, I always knew she was there.  She was my safety net.

At age seven and eight I started hearing praise for how skinny I was.  “You’re so small.  You’re so THIN.  LOOK AT HOW SKINNY YOUR LEGS ARE.”  Ana didn’t do much at that point to earn that praise, but she liked it.  It FED her.  She felt happiest when I heard such things.  I felt happiest when I heard such things.
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