The Body Image Project – “bees knees”

July 9.

When I was a kid, people called me “Chicken Legs.”

I get it, now, why they did that.  I have grown a child in my own image, and her knees are just as knobby and bumpy and walnutty as mine were at the same age.

This is Norah, age 9.


Cute roundy little walnuts.  :)

In my head, my knees still look like that.  Or at least, I feel like they’re supposed to.  In my head, no matter how warped and messed up it makes me, my knees are supposed to look the same as my nine year old daughter’s.  They are supposed to look just like they did when I was 21 and 112 pounds.

They are supposed to look pre-pubescent, completely fat free, bony, and thin.


As an anorexic, there are a few places on your body where you can most easily judge your starvation progress.

Collar bones.  Elbows.  Wrists.  Hips, on the side, and pelvis in the front.  Pubic bone.  Ribs.  Cheekbones, jaw, chin.

And knees.Read More


Giving Up The Binge – Finding Self-Respect

A bulimic giving up binging is a big deal.

I can’t speak for every bulimic out there, but for me this is a REALLY big deal.

This is like alcoholics giving up the booze.  Or drug addicts giving up their favorite way to turn off the world.  This is like hoarders emptying out of their house all their things and sending them to the dump, a religious extremist giving up their Bible, a doomsday prepper giving away the keys to their bunker, a social-hermit-agoraphobic throwing open all their doors and windows and walking out to join the circus.

This is like a child giving away their very favorite, passionately loved, had-it-since-in-the-womb blanket.

Giving up the binge for me is like all of that put together.

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The Mind of A Disordered Eater – Accepting The Reality of an Anorexic-Bulimic

“You will never eat like you used to for the rest of your life. Until you come to accept that, you will NEVER be successful. Going on a super regimented program in which someone or a piece of paper dictates to you exactly what to eat and when, and in what quantities and how, will never give you the lasting results you’re looking for. You can’t look at a diet and think ‘ok, I can do this for six weeks’, that mentality is doomed for failure EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you see a fitness program as something to do temporarily so you can look great and then revert back to your old ways, you just aren’t getting it.”   – Meg, “Fit Bitch”

My first thought when I read this post was “Well…  …shit.  AND DAMNIT!!”  (…actually to be totally honest, because that’s the goal here, my FIRST thought was “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!”  THEN that other thing.)  As an anorexic-bulimic, at LEAST 25 years of my life could be summed up by that exact mentality.

“My pants are tight, I need to lose some weight.”  Then I just stop eating for 3 days and it’s fine.

“My pants fit fine, I’ve been good, I can eat what I want.”  Then I head to the kitchen and eat something-salty-something-sweet-repeat until I ache with pain and pleasure.

The life of an ana-mia is a tragic and deluded one.  We think that we’re something we’re not.  We think people see things that only we can see, and most of the things we see are figments of our imagination.  We think there isn’t any problem, no matter how big or small, that cannot be put in perspective with a three-day fast or a four-hour power binge.

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