You’re being lied to.
[“No, no, no, no one is lying to me. The people in my life tell me the truth.”]
You spoke up quick! I’m so glad. How have you been? ….but yeah no. You’re being lied to, and a lot. People tell you lies all the time, and some of them are big ones.
[“…well, I guess people tell me white lies sometimes, but just to make me feel better, or to keep me safe, or because they love me. I do it too sometimes. Those don’t really count.”]
Yes, they do count. And YES, you do it too, and way more than “sometimes.”
Whether disguised as half-truths or white lies, lies are still lies. They still count.
Sometimes we tell ourselves lies because we need to feel better. We intentionally convince ourselves of something that isn’t true, because dealing with the lie is way more palatable. “These pants are tight, I must be bloated from p-week.” (Couldn’t have anything to do with the family size bag of –itos I ate for lunch yesterday, but whatever.) Sometimes we don’t THINK we’re lying, but we purposefully avoid facing something we don’t want to acknowledge. Avoiding truth is still lying. “She’s my MOM, I know she loves me.” (Nevermind that you feel sick dread before you see her, she drags you through the ringer when she’s with you, and you feel like crap for days after you’ve visited.)
When it comes to truth and lies, there is no middle ground. Things are TRUE, or they’re not.
I suppose that in some cases, lies aren’t a horrible thing. Like a kid believing in Santa, or telling a child that the painting they just completed is beautiful, even though it looks like a cross between a crime scene photo and a drug-induced hallucination. Not all lies are bad, not all lies are meant to harm or deceive. Sometimes they have a place, with the right people and at the right time.
Very rarely, though, and generally speaking, not after the age of eight.
Lies are a problem when 1) the person being lied to is an adult (yes, every time, you’re not an adult unless you choose to deal with cold, hard reality), and 2) the lie is preventing forward progress. Lies are especially a problem when they are well hidden, when we don’t recognize them for what they are, and when we tell them to ourselves.
In fairness, if the lies we hear are bold and obvious, we see them right away. Outright lies are easy to spot. I won’t buy it, even from myself, if I said “This dress is purple” when it’s really pink, or when my kid tells me “I swear I didn’t eat those cookies,” even though the tiny face telling me that is covered in crumbs and chocolate.
Trouble is, the lies we hear regularly are NOT that obvious, and anything but blatant. AND, we live in a world of such abdicated responsibility, no one wants to own the crap their reality provides. It’s better to lie, even just a little bit, than deal with the truth of our heavy, grown up lives.
We have to stop lying.
We have to stop accepting lies as truth, and we HAVE TO Dig Deep into our own heads and foundation to identify which things we believe that aren’t totally true.
We must demand nothing less than pure, absolute truth, because without it we are stuck. Without the truth, we are stuck behind our lie. Like a big, giant, hot-air filled buoy, lies tether our souls to the shallows, preventing us from finding Depth.
Finding and speaking truth is hard, because it means ferreting out lies. It means “no half-truths.” It generally involves gray area, and it requires Depth. To find truth we have to pay attention, ask lots of questions, and have a thick spine and hearty set of balls to stand up to the people that wear their lies like security blankets, yanking you one way or another, desperate to convince you that they’re telling the truth so they don’t have to accept the reality they’re trying so hard to avoid.
It will be hard. Seek truth anyways.
This journey we’re on to find ourselves is, more or less, a search for truth. OUR truth. Not the one that we’ve been fed, not the one we tell ourselves to get through our day, but the REAL truth. The factual truth, and “the way we are” without filter, without the skewed perception of other people, without shame or fear or guilt.
As I’ve grown and searched, I’ve realized that there are things about me I believe to be true, but really they aren’t.
Some of the things were obviously lies, and easily dismissed. “You’re stupid.” Yeah, no I’m not. That one was easy to get rid of. Or, “You’re a bad mom.” I’m very afraid that is true, but after some thought I can convince myself I’m not. My kids are great, way too great for me to completely suck at what I’m doing, and I feel good about my relationship with them. That lie took a bit of thought, but I was able to let it go.
Some other lies, though, were not as easy to get rid of, because they weren’t TOTALLY lies. They were MOSTLY true, so they slipped under my radar.
“You’re too hard to love.” True, I am too much for some. It took me a long time to find the right person to make this lie apparent, but there WAS someone that disagreed. The love I am blessed with now proves that statement to be a lie.
“You’re selfish.” True, in a lot of ways. I am, and I am more that way all the time. I put myself first when I can, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m also the first person in line to give up something of myself for someone else. To a fault, even, which makes that statement a big, fat lie.
Half-truths are not TRUTH. They are still lies. And when we listen to the half-truth-lies we’re told, when we fail to recognize the grain of falsehood in what we hear, we are unable to move beyond the obstacle. We get stuck. We listen to the lie, and the beliefs we form about ourselves hold us back. For a very, very long time I felt that I really WAS too hard to love, and I hated myself for it. My belief of that lie led to depression, self-loathing, and self-destructive behavior, and until I released that lie I was doomed to live in a reality where I hated myself.
As women, there are three half-truth-lies that we are told, and most of us believe them. We are told these lies by culture, society, our parents, our family, men, bosses, spouses. These lies are not necessarily spoken out loud, but they are there… hidden inside body language, tacit expectations, and disappointment when these expectations are not met.
To truly move forward and find myself, I had to dig into the foundation I’ve built myself on, pull out these half-truth-lies, examine them, identify what about them was wrong, fix it, then put them back. THIS WAS HARD TO DO. It was confusing, and depending on who I listened to I was either doing not enough or doing too much. In reality, the only person that can tell you that you’re fixing your foundation “just right” is YOU, and you alone. This is YOUR truth, and you are the only one that can fix it.
Of all the lies I fixed in myself to turn them truly true, these are the three I believe most affect most women. Take some time to read them, think about them, and decide for yourself if you’re suffering under a half-truth.
Lie #1: You are obligated to provide for others, because “you’re all mothery ‘n’ stuff.”
No matter which way you cut it, mothers are always women. Women carry babies, women give milk and warm hugs and guidance and protection to their young, until the young can fend for themselves. Our ability to carry young and raise them to adulthood is biological and genetic, and it is our calling as the female of the species.
With that in mind, it makes sense that most of us WANT to help. We WANT to give, we want to care for those around us. I don’t know about you, but if I am in the presence of a child that’s crying I want to squeeze them until they stop hurting. At the very least I want to (and usually do) talk to them and find out what’s wrong. When I see a homeless person on the street the pull I feel to feed them is overwhelming. When I see a stranger drop something I usually stoop to pick it up, when I see an older lady emptying her cart of groceries into her car, I help, then return her cart for her. I know I’m a more extreme giver than most, but still. Most women have the tendency to nurture and love.
There is nothing wrong with this tendency. It is a GOOD thing. Owning this tendency means I love hard, I’m a nice person, and the world is a better place when I’m done with it than it was when I found it. All good things.
The problem is that I don’t see the full truth of this statement, and I get hung up on the lie.
I get hung up on the word “obligated.”
If I see someone that is hungry, and I CAN feed them, I should. If I see someone hurting or suffering, it’s my job to alleviate their struggle. If my kids are sad, I have to fix it. If my spouse is hungry, I have to feed him. If my house is messy, it’s my job to make sure it gets cleaned up, no matter how much help I get. If my friend-sister-mother-coworker-boss-partner is sad or upset or angry, it’s my job to make them happy. The emotional, mental, and physical well being of the people around me is my responsibility.
TOO MUCH.
To defend myself against this lie, I sometimes swing too far the other way. MOST women that try and negate their nurturing tendencies swing too far the other way, and end up looking like self-centered, self-inflating, entitled asshats.
(**cough**FEMINISTS**cough**cough**).
Instead of saying “I’m obligated to be a nurturer,” most women that are in defiance of their female tendencies go totally the other way. They say “EFF YOU, I will not nurture ANYONE, I’m not obligated to ANYTHING, me being a woman does not mean I have to do anything for you or for anyone else. Also, go screw yourself, make your own effing sandwich.”
To defend this defiant stance, you’ll hear people say things like “Others’ problems are theirs, my problems are mine. Unless what they’re doing is causing me problems, they can fix it on their own. And they should, because I’m not their mother. And even if I AM their mother, I won’t be around forever. It’s good for them to struggle. I will focus on myself and my life, not on anyone else’s.”
Yes, EXCEPT. Those statements aren’t completely true. They’re each PARTLY true, but not all the way.
Truth in this case, as it is most of the time, lies in between the two extremes.
FULL TRUTH: I gave birth and I nurture, but I serve who I choose, when I choose, how I choose. My choices create responsibility, which obligates me to some, but in no way am I obligated to everyone. I am obligated to some for some things, but not for everything. The world will not fall apart if I stop giving everything we can.
I choose to serve my kids. I am obligated to provide food, shelter, and emotional-mental stability to them, not because I HAVE TO, but because I choose to fulfill my responsibilities.
Planned pregnancy or not, I chose the relationship that led to pregnancy that led to birth, and those people I crated are my responsibility.
As far as my spouse, I choose to provide for him because I like to do it, not because I have to. Not because of the piece of paper I signed, not because I was young and stupid when I promised “for better or worse.” I provide because I speak love through action and service, not because I expect thanks, not because I demand recognition.
Too often we as women give because we feel obligated to do so, even though we don’t want to, even though it’s not actually our responsibility. How many times have you thought “I don’t want to do it, but if I don’t no one else will, so-and-so will be upset, everyone expects me to do it.” When you feel that way, the likelihood that you’re choosing a course of action because you want to is slim, and you are much more likely to be doing the thing because you perceive that you’re obligated to do so.
No more obligatory kindness, no more obligatory nurturing or giving. You are not obligated to love, and you are healthiest if you find a balanced way to give. Losing the weight of obligation from my shoulders has opened up my time, energy, and focus, and I am now free to put my love out there where and how I choose. IT IS AWESOME.
Here’s the part where I tell you how to correct this lie for yourself. If you fall into the “I’m obligated to love that person in this way” trap, this is what I did to make it better. Again, this may not work for you (because we’re all different), but it’s a good place to start.
THE FIX: Identify your responsibilities. Choose to serve those responsibilities with a positive attitude. Choose to NOT do things that you are not obligated to. Say “no” for every two times you say “yes,” and refuse to shoulder responsibilities that are not yours to take. Draw a line around yourself and those you love the most, and dedicate yourself to tasks inside that line FIRST. (And maybe even “only,” if that is what you choose.)
Lie #2: Being selfish is …well, selfish, and being selfish is bad.
As women, we tend to put the wellbeing of others above our own. Of course this is a generalization, but I have met so few women to display the contrary that I’d state this as “fact, with a few exceptions,” not the other way around.
I AM SO BAD AT THIS.
Until this last year, my job was to make sure everyone else was okay, then I could worry about me, except I didn’t, because I couldn’t stop worrying about everyone else. This mentality meant I didn’t pee alone for almost eight years, I asked for permission from the other adult present before I took a shower even if the kids were asleep, I felt bad plopping the kids in front of the TV for ten minutes to scrub the floor. Give, give, give, and never take, because taking is selfish. When someone complimented me, instead of saying “thank you” I would notice all the things I could do better, then brush aside their kindness. I was the last to do EVERYTHING. Eat last, and cold food, to make sure everyone else had enough to eat and “can I have more milk” and “I dropped my fork.” I praised the crap out of others, but never myself, and took (and still take) zero pride in anything I did. I gave as much as I could to anyone that would take it every second of every day, then I’d give some more.
LITERALLY exhausting. I remember falling face first on my bed at the end of the day, wrung out, worn thin, cranky, empty, and lonely, when the effort to take off my clothes and brush my teeth required more care and concern than I had left in the scrapey-bottom of my very-empty, almost-bone-dry bucket.
To counteract the half-truth-lie of “selfish is bad,” I know a lot of women that say “IT’S RIGHT. GET YOURS.” I know a lot of MOMS like that. Sad. I can think of three mothers off the top of my head that still act like they’re freshmen in college.
“EFF EVERYONE. I will eat what I want when I want. I will do for me what is most important. Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I have to ACT like one. I don’t care if I have kids and a spouse, they’ll get over it, “girls night out” is where it’s at. I will set aside the needs of the family and the greater good in order to live the life *I* want, and get the attention *I* deserve.”
The problem with this “get mine,” “be selfish” extreme, is ….well, I think you know. It ruins your family. It ruins our DAUGHTERS. It teaches everyone that you are responsible for growing that what they want is more important than anything else in the world, even responsibilities, and that’s simply not true. This behavior was childish and rebellious for us at age 18. let alone for us women in our thirties.
Selfish is good, but not at the expense of responsibility. “Do for you” does not negate adulthood. There’s balance in there somewhere, and we need to find it.
FULL TRUTH: Righteous selfishness is the basis for self-worth, self-care, and filling our own emotional-mental buckets, so we can care best for those we love.
Have you ever ridden on an airplane? If you have, you’ve heard this speech:
“In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person. Keep your mask on until a uniformed crew member advises you to remove it.”
Righteous selfishness is the same as securing your own air mask before you help everyone else. You cannot help others if you’re dead. You cannot fill up the buckets of others if your own bucket is empty. Taking time to focus on yourself is VITAL to raising great kids and being a great wife. When you spend time on yourself and your own well being, you have more to give, and the things you give are WHOLE. Not scabbed together or falling apart, but complete and solid.
When we take time to give ourselves what we need, we are better able to give to others. Until I took the time to care for myself in the same way I would expect my kids to care for THEMselves when they are older, I was stuck in selfless living. That’s a crappy place to be stuck, and it was exhausting.
THE FIX: Identify in yourself what you need most. Maybe you need someone to listen to you talk about nothing, and you can find a group to participate in. Maybe you need some alone time. Take ten minutes every morning, or pee with the door shut, or take a quick walk around the block after your spouse gets home to watch the kids. Maybe you need more help at home, so you spend $50 a month for a housekeeping service. Find one place where you feel you need the most help, attention, or support, and then GET IT. Do whatever you have to do to put yourself first. Support yourself in the same way you’d support your child or loved one, and give yourself the same consideration you so willingly give everyone else.
YOU ARE WORTH IT. Whatever it is you need, you are worth it. Taking something-but-not-everything for yourself is the first step to finding your worth, and maintaining balance.
Lie #3: How other people feel about you and your actions is more important than how you feel yourself.
For me, this is a big one. I succumb to this lie all. the. time.
This is a HUUUUUGE one.
This is such a big, bad, huge, ugly one, I’m almost embarrassed to tell you how bad it was.
In 2009 (for reasons I won’t go into here), I chose to leave a marriage of ten years. I packed up my kids, left Seattle, and moved back to Eastern Washington to live with my parents.
It sucked.
Divorce sucks anyways, and for any of you that have gone through it I am so, so sorry. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in all my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My experience was made even more difficult because I believed Lie #3, and I was unable at the time to see the real truth behind it.
When I announced my divorce to my family, they were pissed. It got ugly, and it stayed ugly for a long time. Regardless of how they treated me (or how they should have or how they didn’t), the way my family felt, for me, was even more damaging and difficult to deal with than the way I felt myself. I was obsessed with their anger, riddled with guilt, and buried in shame. AND, I was so wrapped up in the feelings of everyone around me, I was unable to process my own feelings. I was unable to cope with my own stress and baggage created by the divorce, because I was busy dealing with everyone else.
What other people think is important, but compassionate, empathetic, overthinking women (like me) take it farther than that. We think that if our kids are angry with us, we’ve failed. If your spouse is upset with you, you’ve failed. If your mother-sister-friend-boss-coworker, bible study, volunteer buddy, or some random person on the street doesn’t like the tone of your voice, the way you laugh, how you look, what you’re wearing, the size of your pants, the size of your breasts, how much you weigh, the color of your hair, or the way your face looks when you say a certain word, you’ve failed.
The extreme way to counteract this over-caring-ness is to decide “fuck everyone, I don’t care what anyone thinks.” For a while after my divorce I told myself that, both because it felt really good to say, and because I had to go on the defensive. I HAD TO fake a thick skin and live behind the “fuck you” lie, or I was going to self-destruct. For a while, my mantra was “The only one whose opinion matters is mine. Opinions are like assholes, and anyone that tries to show you theirs is not worth talking to. (also ew and oh no.) I will do what I feel is best, EFF the haters. If you don’t agree with me, what I think, what I’m doing, how I dress, how I look, how I conduct myself, the kind of person I am, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”
It felt good to talk like that, but it wasn’t TRUE. It wasn’t healthy. No matter how much I want to, I can’t cut out people’s input in that way. I don’t WANT to. I don’t want to be that person, and I believe that my ability to empathize is what makes me the leader and mother I am. I want to keep that.
FULL TRUTH: Empathy is GOOD.
Empathy is how we relate to others, and how we seek to understand. Trying to understand what other people think and feel is good. Understanding Forges Depth. Caring about what others think when it’s the right person is good. Caring what EVERYONE thinks is not so healthy, but if the person sharing their opinion is someone that you trust, someone that supports and loves and cares for you in the way you deserve, listening to their opinion is GOOD. It makes you better, even if you don’t want to hear it, even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard.
We are not meant to be alone. We are also not meant to hang on the word and thought of every random joe that crosses our path. Use discernment and filter the input you receive, and you will be better for it.
THE FIX: Identify those that truly support you, those that speak wisdom and truth, and those that see your Greatness. Listen to them. Kindly brush away the opinions and thoughts of those that do not fit the role of “support,” and refuse to allow their perception to determine your reality. GUARD YOUR MIND AND HEART, for they are your most valuable assets.
The truth about truth is, “it’s hard.” It requires balance. It means you have to filter through the noise and pick apart the extremes to find what’s right, and then KEEP FINDING IT. To toe that line of truth and maintain balance in your life, you have to work at it. And practice. And keep practicing, and understand that there will always be people trying to pull you one way or another with their words and absolutes and demands.
Don’t let them.
Just keep going.
Finding your true self is not really about finding a person you’ve never met, it’s about getting rid of the parts of you that were never really you in the first place. It’s about shucking off expectations, finding your own voice, and speaking with that voice loud and strong.
How many truths are you accepting in your life that are not FULL truth? How many lies do you believe to be true because they seem true on the surface? Maybe it’s a hater that disguises themselves as a loved one. Maybe you think you’re ugly because one person told you that a long time ago, and you have accepted their lie as truth. Tell me about it in the comments and reveal the half-truth for the lie that it is.
Rooting out lies from our mind takes grit. It takes bravery, and perseverance.
It is not for the faint of heart, but I’m positive you can do it.
We are women. We can do anything. :)
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