When I was a kid, I was raised with pretty simple ideals.

Be polite.  Be real.  Focus only on things that make you better, things that expand your mind, and things that are a good use of your time.  Tell the truth.  Be kind.   Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Do what you say you’re going to do, even when it’s hard, even when no one is watching.  Fulfill your commitments.  Be on time.  Watch your words, for the words you speak decide for others who you are.  Be responsible for yourself.  Pick up your own mess.  Dress in a way that exemplifies your character.  Leave everything better than how you found it.  Stand up for yourself.  Stand up for others.  Life is 10% what happens and 90% how we react to it.  Choose  a positive attitude.  Treat others with love, grace, and respect, no matter what.

SIMPLE.  Good.  All good things.  All good ideas, all good beliefs.  If I were to read you these ideals one at a time, I doubt you’d have a problem with any of them.  These are the kinds of things we raise our kids to believe, the personality and character traits we hope others see in us.  When I die, I want people to say I did all these things.

Except now, it seems to me that life and relationships are getting way more complicated.

As dumb as it is, these simple ideals all have caveats.  Conditionals.  Every single one of them has an “except” added to it.

I’d like to say “this is the ranting of an old soul, a woman out of her prime.”  I’d like to say that I’m imagining all these things, or that I’m cynical and pessimistic.

I really don’t think I am.

I have kids.  I watch them and their friends and meet a lot of moms.  I spend a lot, lot, lot of time on social media, reading blogs, and writing for this website.  I talk with people.  Work privately with several different groups of women, for several different reasons.  I meet people that range from welfare recipients, salt-of-the-earth types, to professional entrepreneurs, experts in their fields.  I surround myself with words and opinions, conversations and perspectives, and I think I have a pretty good grasp of what’s going on around me most of the time.

I really don’t think I’m making this up.

Our collective character is falling apart, and I really think it’s because of the conditionals we’ve added to what used to be fairly simple ideals.

Instead of life being simple and straightforward, instead of “who you are” being your choice, we have successfully screwed up the most basic of character traits with political correctness, denial of personal responsibility, and abdication of accountability.

Our culture can now be summed up with one phrase:  “It’s not your fault.”

Say it with me.  “It’s not my fault.”

That’s right, Friend.  It is not longer your fault for ANYTHING, and everything that happens to you from here on out is on someone else’s head.

This is a good thing.  No longer are you responsible for choosing things that make you happy.  No longer are you going to be held accountable for your direction (or lack thereof).  NO MORE FAILURE, because if it’s never your fault it’s never your failure.

The system will fail you.  Your parents will fail you.  Your friends will fail you, education will fail you, your genetic code, your thyroid, your mental ability, your hormones, your body chemistry, your intelligence, and every relationship you will ever have will fail you.

YOU will never fail.

Your CHOICES will never fail.

Your choices will never fail, because no matter what you choose 1) it was never really your choice to begin with, because (let’s face it) “you didn’t HAVE a choice,” and 2) if you chose wrong you only chose that way because of the way you were raised.  You didn’t know better.

To make sure all people are on the same page, I have kindly rewritten the simple ideals we used to know, plus conditionals.  If you follow these new ideals, you will live a great life that never fails, is never your fault, and will never feel the weight of responsibility.

1.  Be polite.  That one stays.  I think everyone wants everyone else to be polite.  So “everyone else be polite” is the new saying.  You only have to be polite when you feel like it, because if someone says something you don’t like you just LET THEM HAVE IT.  They asked for it.

2.  Be real.  Except not “REAL” real.  Be the real you want other people to think you are.  Develop Facebook accounts that show pictures of you from ten years ago, when you were thinner, after Photoshop, or with duckface and heavy eye makeup, “because that’s totally legit real.”

3.  Focus only on things that make you better, things that expand your mind, and things that are a good use of your time.  Except Facebook.  And Candy Crush.  And Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Pinterest, the rest of the opinion-based internet, and all other mind-sucking, pointless, time-wasting, digital-based activities.  Those totally don’t count, because those are fun.  And real.  (Not “REAL” real.  Just real.)

4.  Tell the truth.  Unless the truth 1) makes you look bad, 2) forces someone else to deal with something they’re trying to avoid (their “REAL” real), or 3) addresses an issue that makes people think things they don’t want to think about, in which case refer to point 3 just above.

5.  Be kind.  But be your OWN kind of kind, not the kind of kind that someone might personally want.  Do only unto others what you feel they should want, because “your kindness, your rules.”  EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE – don’t open a door for a woman unless you first ask her if it is demeaning of her character and ability, don’t say that a woman looks nice unless your hands are visible, your eyes are pointed at the ceiling, and you know that she wants to be told, and do not under any circumstances give advice to anyone unless it’s what they already want to hear, and is not actually advice.  That kind of kindness is not kind, it is demeaning and judgmental.

6.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Expect every other person around you to know the definitions of your own, made up versions of the words that were also made up when you read them in the first place on Facebook.  Also, and this is most important, say what you mean in the moment, fueled by emotion, not what you mean ALL THE TIME, and mean what you say when you say it, even though you probably won’t mean it later when you’ve cooled off.  Just feel your way through logic.  It’s fine.

7.  Do what you say you’re going to do, even when it’s hard, even when no one is watching.  Unless you said it via text, tweet, or status update, and only if it’s not THAT hard.  If it’s too hard just quit, because you probably didn’t even mean it in the first place, and no one takes Facebook seriously.  It’s not a “REAL” real commitment.

8.  Fulfill your commitments.  BUT ONLY THE IMPORTANT ONES, and only the ones you seriously meant.  Peeps will get it if the other ones slip through the cracks.  It wasn’t that big of a deal in the first place, and things happen.

9.  Be on time.  And if you’re not on time, just text and say you’ll be late.  It’s the same thing.  Time is something you never get back, but only if you acknowledge that time is a finite resource.  Which we don’t acknowledge, because that involves thinking about mortality, which involves thinking about dying, and we aren’t going to talk about that.  We all will live forever.

10.  Watch your words, for the words you speak decide for others who you are.  Except online.  Or via text.  Then say whatever you want, because no one will hold you to it, it’s not “REAL” real, and no one can see your face.  And you can’t see OTHER PEOPLE’s faces when you say mean things.  If they take the things you say online that personally, they probably deserve what they do next.  Cyberbullying isn’t real.  Not your prob.

11.  Be responsible for yourself.  Unless it’s too hard, then someone else will do it.  That’s what state issued food assistance, Obamacare, and medical coupons are for.  Right?  Just keep spending more than you make, and having more kids than you can afford, and buying things on credit.  The rest will work itself out.  We used to think that hunger and “no place to live” were good motivators, but no one has to worry about those things now.  PROGRESS.  We all get what we DESERVE, not what we EARN.  Awesome.

12.  Pick up your own mess.  Unless someone else gets paid to do it, or the mess you make isn’t hurting anyone you know personally, or “everyone is doing it.”  Like buying 123518 plastic bottles in your lifetime.  They’re cheap, they’re easy, then just throw them in the landfill.  Or like littering out the car window.  Convicts and community service kids need things to do too, right?  OR, the mess we make when we say things we don’t really mean, or when we bully and belittle other people.  Don’t pick up that relationship mess, just leave it.  They’ll get over it.  Once I expend verbal-physical-mental waste, it’s not my problem anymore.

13.  Dress in a way that exemplifies your character.  Or just dress however you feel, and then expect everyone else to stow their opinion.  Because everyone else is responsible for making sure you do not feel objectified.  If short shorts and booty sweats and low cut tops are what you feel good in, wear them.  Nevermind the rest.  If people can’t look past your outward appearance and the skin you show, they are shallow.

14.  Leave everything better than how you found it.  Unless you want it really bad, then screw the consequences and the people or objects you might harm.  (If you’re not sure about this, check “pick up your own mess.”)  GET YOURS.

15.  Stand up for yourself.  Demand that everyone does exactly what you expect them to do.  YOUR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY.  Be sure that you don’t stop yelling, complaining, pointing fingers, or bitching about how stupid everyone is until they change their way of thinking, outward behavior, perspective, opinion, and tone of voice when discussing your choices with you.  Only when everyone agrees with you can you be okay with what you’ve chosen for yourself.

16.  Stand up for others.  But only those other people that agree with exactly what you say and how you think.  If someone is being ridiculed or persecuted for something you don’t agree with, leave them to their own defenses.  That’s on them for being dumb.

17.  Life is 10% what happens and 90% how we react to it.  Unless that 10% is crap, then you’re totally a victim.  Just fold.  Get angry.  Blame your circumstances hard and long on anything or anyone even remotely involved, and no one will blame you for how you react.  Harbor resentment and anger, and complain about your life on social media.  Lots of people will sympathize with you.  You will feel better.

18.  Choose  a positive attitude.  Unless you’re pissed.  Or you don’t agree, or it’s a bad day, or the Starbucks you usually go to ran out of your favorite syrup, or the neighbor across the street got a new car that’s better than yours, or the youngest guy in the company got a pay raise and you didn’t, or your wife is losing her shape, or your husband isn’t taking out the trash every day like you want him to.  Then just “pffftt” to the positive attitude, because who WOULDN’T be angry?

19.   Treat others with love, grace, and respect, no matter what.  Unless they piss you off, or they’re stupid, or you don’t agree with their life choices.  If they’re gay and you don’t believe that’s okay, be rude.  Be sure to tell them that they’re wrong.  If you’re a Christian, make sure you start with that tidbit of info when you meet anyone that you think might not agree, and be sure to pronounce your faith with a chip on your shoulder.  When someone chooses to do something with their life that you don’t agree with, toss love, grace, and respect out the window.  Because you’re RIGHT, and they’re WRONG, and only people that are RIGHT deserve love and grace and respect.

Here’s the problem with this convoluted, complicated, conditional-based life:

If it’s never your fault, how can you change it?

Short answer is, “you can’t.”  We don’t want to be at fault for anything, but at the same time we want things to go our way.  The only way this will ever happen is if you change everyone around you, while at the same time never changing yourself.

That will never, ever happen.

NEVER.

The Rule of Accountability is this:  The power to change lies with the same person that carries the burden of responsibility.  Only when we hold ourselves accountable for what we have done and what we did not do, can we ever hope to change our lives.

I’ll give you an example.

In my life I’ve had many jobs, and have been in charge of many people.  One time I had an employee named Matt.

Matt was a good kid and did his job well.  He wasn’t a superstar employee, by any means, but he was “steady.”  He knew exactly what kind of job he was expected to do, and he always did it.  Matt was a nice guy.  He was polite, kind, and funny.  We got along very well.

At one point in his career, Matt got a new girlfriend.  For most adults this is exciting and fun, an addition to life and experiences.  For Matt, a young (oh so young and male) adult, this was enough to derail him.

Matt was suddenly and routinely late for work.  He showed up without the tools he needed to do his job.  His uniform was wrinkled.  His uniform was dirty.  His belt was missing and his pants wouldn’t stay up.  His shoes were muddy.  His hair was not washed.  He smelled like perfume.  He was happy and glowing and love struck, but all the glowing was wreaking havoc on his job performance.

Some of these issues were more serious than others.  Personally, I did not care if he smelled like flowers.  Professionally, I DID care that he was late, unkempt, and ill prepared.  After a week or two of this behavior (and way more patience than was licensed on my part), I sat Matt down for a talk.

“Why are you late, Buddy?  What’s going on with you?”

And then I heard all about it.

“My girlfriend ___, and my girlfriend ___, and we share a car, and she was late, and now I am late, and traffic was bad, and I didn’t have milk, and she used the water, and I ran out of time for laundry, then the machine was being used, and and and and.”

I heard everything he said.  I listened actively.  I gave him his time to explain.

Then I laid into him.

“Whose choice is it that you were late?  Yours or hers.  Who is responsible for you being here on time.  You or her.”

He was not happy when he had to answer, “Mine.  Me.  I am.”

No matter what your problem, it can be boiled down to that one question.  And I’m guessing you will not be happy with the answer, either.

“Whose choice is it?  Yours or someone else’s?”

The answer is always, “Mine.”  The choice is always mine.  The responsibility is always mine.

RESPONSIBILITY STINGS.  We don’t like taking it.  HE did not like taking it, but only when he shouldered the responsibility for his timeliness and appearance was he able to change it.

The weight of responsibility is good.  It is heavy, and uncomfortable, and life changing, and back-breaking, and empowering, and GOOD.

No more blaming other people for our own shortcomings.

No more pointing fingers for our own missed opportunities.  No more finding every excuse in the book for our poor choices.  No more saying “I didn’t have a choice,” no more allowing anyone else but ourselves to determine our destiny, mental state, emotional well being, or life trajectory.

No more demanding of our spouses that they do more so we’re happier.  Let’s change our relationships by changing ourselves, FIRST.

No more feeling victimized by bullies and haters.  Let’s take responsibility for any and all circumstances that cause us emotional harm.  Let’s take back our lives and our hearts.

No more feeling gross when we’re catcalled and hit on.  Let’s take ownership of our bodies and demand respect, talking back to those who choose to demean and belittle us, dressing in a way we feel confident and respectable, demanding that we are treated the way we deserve.

No more being cut down or torn apart by domestic partners, bosses, friends, or family.  WE DECIDE WHAT WE ARE WORTH.  No one else.

This will cause a lot of people a lot of irritation.  I will lose followers because of this post.  People, particularly women, will cry out and demand that their situation is different, and that they are an exception to The Rule of Accountability.

Yeah, nope.  Sorry.  There is no exception.  There is no loophole.

The only other option other than accepting The Rule of Accountability, is accepting that your life is not your own, you really do not have any choice, and you will live as others see fit.  Your worth will be decided by those around you, and the amount of power and opportunity in your life to make great waves will be left to the whim of fate and chance.

No thanks.

I’d rather carry the weight of responsibility and fail, than find success at the hand of another.

How about you?

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