When I lived in South Africa, the one thing I was told over and over by the natives was “Don’t travel after dark.” I said “okay,” and I really did try my best to accommodate that recommendation. Errands, particularly those that required a vehicle, were done in the morning or afternoon.

One day an out-of-town visit for some of the fellow missionaries and myself took longer than expected, and we were late getting back. The road that led to the very rural town we were staying in meandered through sugarcane fields, and there were no street lights. For the most part, there was no electricity of ANY kind where we were staying. (Living without a fridge was a new experience!)

Night fell.  Soon the headlights of the car were the only lights to be seen for miles around. Sugarcane loomed on each side, growing right up to the edge of the narrow, two lane road.

Suddenly and almost out of nowhere, there appeared a very large tree trunk in the road.  It was lying perpendicular to oncoming traffic and completely blocked the lane we were driving in.  We swerved the car to avoid it, but in the OTHER lane there was a small wall of boulders stacked to block traffic.  It was close – the sidewall of the tires scraped the edge of the rocks on one side – but we managed to navigate through.

We escaped any sort of catastrophe, but still.

I was completely, totally freaked out.

That night I lay in my very hard, very flat cot on the floor, stared at the wall through my mosquito net, and shook and cried and cried some more.

What if we’d wrecked the car.

What if we couldn’t get past those road blocks and we had to STOP.  What if we had to get out of the car.

I knew for sure what would have happened next.

I thought about that sugarcane, planted thick like a forest.  I thought about the people that had been waiting just out of plain sight, five stalks back in the field, eyes sharp and waiting, breath shallow and rapid with anticipation, “maybe this is the one.”

I thought about the physical pain, sodomy, rape, and murder if we’d been taken, and I thought about how no one would have even known what happened to us.

Sugar cane fields are burned before they’re harvested… they never would have found the bodies.

In rural, native South Africa, there is really no such thing as “police.” When something bad happens you don’t call for help, because no one cares. When you kill someone you dig a hole and bury them, and no one is the wiser. We visited hundreds of homes in our time there, and I counted no less than 250 makeshift graves behind mud huts and shanties.  Right there in the yard, right in plain sight.

Some of the graves were only two feet long.

In that country, in that area, death was as normal as a handshake.

When there is no birth record, there is no death record.  You do not exist in any way other than you DO, and you breathe. There is no account of your life other than how you choose to live it, there is no paper trail to remind others that you existed once you’re gone.

When someone chooses to take advantage of that fact, when someone chooses to put an eight-foot tree trunk across the road to force you to stop, shoot you in the head, drag you into the cornfield and then steal your car and all your belongings, there is no one to hear you beg or cry or scream.

I laid awake in bed that night terrified, because my delusion of SAFETY was completely shattered.

Here’s what I want you to get from this:

“Safety” is an illusion. There really is no such thing.

We can learn to defend ourselves, reduce risk, lessen the probability that “the thing” we’re afraid of will actually happen through running and avoidance, but still.  Life itself is bigger than our preparation.  No matter how much you prepare, life will still happen.  Bad stuff will still happen.  SUFFERING will still happen.

Death will still happen.

…depressing, isn’t it.

Except here’s the good thing.  HERE is the amazing, wonderful, terrific, extraordinary thing, and here is the part you need to remember:

“Fear” is an illusion, too.

Fear and safety are both emotional responses to control, or lack thereof.  Fear is what we feel when we think we’re not in control.  Safe is what we feel when we think we have control.

Control itself is the issue, and THAT we can deal with.  We can get more of it or relinquish all of it through our actions, preparation, and mental state.

And if we think of it that way, we need not allow fear and safety to rule our lives.  WE HAVE A CHOICE, and we have it in a big way.

When it comes to making change for your health and well being, when it comes making change for your LIFE, fear and safety are the two biggest, most understated, most unidentified influences in the human psyche.  We often refuse to make change because we’re afraid, but we don’t even recognize that we’re afraid.  We don’t recognize what it is we’re afraid of, and we don’t recognize what makes us feel safe.  We just FEEL that way.

The problem with that, the problem with “just taking it as it is” and not thinking through the feels, is we abdicate any sort of ability to make logical, intentional, serious change.

And isn’t that the goal?  To make change?

If your life is mostly great except for that one person that sucks the worth out of you, and you JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THEM because they’re extremely integrated and seemingly vital, you are settling for the illusion of safety.  You are choosing to stay in a crappy situation because it feels safer than the fear of tell them to take a hike.

If your life is mostly great except for the crappy job that you just hate going to every day, and you CAN’T JUST QUIT AND START OVER because you’ll be God knows where as far as finances go, you are settling for the illusion of safety.  You are choosing to stay in a crappy situation because it feels safer than the fear of starting over.

If your life is mostly great except for the emotional and physical abuse you suffer at the hand of your spouse, and you JUST CAN’T LEAVE because he really does love you, he doesn’t mean it, he had a rough day, you are settling for the illusion of safety.  You are choosing to stay in a crappy situation because it feels safer than standing up for yourself and moving out on your own.

If your life is mostly great except for your weight and size, and you JUST CAN’T CHANGE because you never have changed and you think it’s a lost cause, you are settling for the illusion of safety.  You are choosing to stay in a crappy situation because it feels safer to accept your size and weight than the fear of trying and failing.

Instead of living a life dictated by fear and safety, change something.  Change something about the situation so you feel in control, so you can make the change.  When you feel needles of fear crawling through your guts and up your spine, ask yourself “How can I take control of this situation?  How can my choices reduce my fear response?  What about this do I need to change so that I don’t feel afraid?”

Make the change, just do it in a different way.  Do it in a way that minimizes fear, do it in a way that gets you where you want to go.

FEAR is not a good enough reason to not do something.  It’s not a good enough reason to avoid ANYTHING.

We like safety.  We like feeling that we’re in control, and so we avoid the change to avoid the fear.

Except avoiding fear does not make the thing we fear go away, it just removes our ability to change it.

“My father taught me that fear is always a constant.  By accepting it, it makes you stronger.”
~ King Leonidas, 300