July 26.

If you had to pick five words that best describe you, what would they be?

Most of us would be tempted to answer that question with the five things we WISH we were.  “I’ll say the five things I want to be true the most.  Then they can just BE true.  Everyone else will buy it, they’ll see me like that.  I just know it.  SEE, I’M CHANGED, all I had to do was change what everyone else saw.  They’re buying it, I’m sure of it.”  

Maybe, but usually not.  When we lie about who we are the only person we truly deceive is ourselves.

Not too long ago, the five words to describe the person I wish I was, and the five words to describe the person I actually am would have been different.  Depending on how honest I was being with myself, the answers would be VERY different.  I wanted to be strong and capable, powerful and intelligent.  I wanted to be confident.

I don’t know that I told anyone I WAS those things, so you might think I wasn’t a liar, but I was.

I was a liar, and I was a liar of the worst kind.

I lied to myself.

Every day, all the time, I lied to myself about who and what I was.  I told myself I was strong, but I wasn’t.  I told myself I was brave, but I wasn’t.

What I REALLY was, was afraid.  Insecure.  Doubtful.  Self-destructive.  Angry.  Self-hating.

Sad.

I was really, really sad.Read More