27
Aug

The Fear of Fat and Ugly

Topic / mental health, The Body Image Project

This last weekend, I attended a personal development workshop.

There were 25 of us in attendance.  We filled one small meeting room.  For the duration of the event, I was seated next to and paired with a delightful woman.  Her name is Kate.  She offers personal coaching, owns her own business(es), and is raising a BE.YOOTIFUL. little girl, all by herself.  Kate is a powerhouse of a human being, independent, strong, outspoken, and she lives her life louder than any other woman I’ve ever met.  I was in awe of her at first sight (and a little intimidated, to be honest), and my awe deepened as I got to know her over our few days together.

Kate’s sense of style cannot be overstated.  For the event, she was wearing a little black dress and super cute, wedge heels.  We worked together as partners throughout the day, and every time I was asked to turn and look at her face I was impressed.  I would turn toward her, take in her genuine smile, the frenzy of intelligence behind her eyes, and the don’t-let-the-serious-topic-fool-you-I-am-a-bad-ass gold, hoop piercing in her nose, and I had the same thought every time.

“Damn.”

EVERY TIME.  Same thought.

“Damn.”

(I also thought “great rack, amazing eyelashes, I love the bangs,” and every time I hugged her I immensely enjoyed her curvy goodness, but yes.  Mostly just “…DAMN.”)

At one point in my not-so-distant past, sitting next to Lovely Kate would have made me want to hide.  (Seriously.  She’s so amazing.)  She is confident.  She is absolutely GIRL.  She is intelligent, feminine, sexy, strong.  She is, in my mind, what I should probably want to be.  The put-together, intentional, presidential persona she so successfully displays is what every professional, confident woman should strive for.

…yeaaaaahhh………

I’m so, so, so, SO SO SO not like Kate.Read More

19
Aug

The Body Image Project – “total package”

Topic / The Body Image Project

August 19.

When you look at your body, what do you see?

I have hated my body almost all of my life.

Today, looking back, I see that I was (more than a little bit) nuts for feeling that way.

Seriously.  Just look.

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This was my 16 year old self, and in this picture I was one hundred fifty bajillion percent convinced that I was disgustingly fat.Read More

05
Aug

The Body Image Project – “chicken legs”

Topic / The Body Image Project

August 5.

So, I’ve got long legs.

I’ve got REALLY long legs.  For my height, 29.7″ is the average inseam length.

Mine is 34″.

[And because I know you’ll ask, average inseam for a female is about 45% of her total height.  I am 66″ tall, .45 x 66 = 29.7″.  I geek out now.  Math is good.]

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month thinking about my body.  I’ve dissected it apart, taken photographs, talked about all the things I’ve found.  I’ve done some great introspection as to the parts of me I don’t like, and I’ve learned more about why I don’t like those parts.

For the most part, the only parts of me that are left to talk about are the ones I actually like.

As it turns out, writing and examining the parts of me I like is almost harder than dealing with the parts I don’t.

I would guess that for most of us habitual body-haters, talking about our good parts is hard.  I spent a lot of years hating myself, and during the darkest parts of self-disgust I did not one time praise myself for my …well, for anything.

Why is that, do you think?  Why do we do that?

I’m sure I could have found SOMETHING nice to say about myself.  I’m sure, if I’d looked, I would have found one physical attribute to praise.

I didn’t even look.

I didn’t even TRY.Read More

26
Jul

The Body Image Project – “tough as nails”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 26.

If you had to pick five words that best describe you, what would they be?

Most of us would be tempted to answer that question with the five things we WISH we were.  “I’ll say the five things I want to be true the most.  Then they can just BE true.  Everyone else will buy it, they’ll see me like that.  I just know it.  SEE, I’M CHANGED, all I had to do was change what everyone else saw.  They’re buying it, I’m sure of it.”  

Maybe, but usually not.  When we lie about who we are the only person we truly deceive is ourselves.

Not too long ago, the five words to describe the person I wish I was, and the five words to describe the person I actually am would have been different.  Depending on how honest I was being with myself, the answers would be VERY different.  I wanted to be strong and capable, powerful and intelligent.  I wanted to be confident.

I don’t know that I told anyone I WAS those things, so you might think I wasn’t a liar, but I was.

I was a liar, and I was a liar of the worst kind.

I lied to myself.

Every day, all the time, I lied to myself about who and what I was.  I told myself I was strong, but I wasn’t.  I told myself I was brave, but I wasn’t.

What I REALLY was, was afraid.  Insecure.  Doubtful.  Self-destructive.  Angry.  Self-hating.

Sad.

I was really, really sad.Read More

21
Jul

The Body Image Project – “chin up”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 20.

Not many of you may know this, but I am a semi-professional photographer.

(In other words, “I get paid to take pictures,” but it is not my primary source of income.)

I have always loved taking photos.  Maybe it’s because it was my dad’s favorite hobby (“Dad, stop taking pictures of me eating my lunch.  Ew.”), maybe it’s because I’m Japanese (“Oooh, tay-koo peek-cha?”), but when I finally picked up my first SLR at age 23, I felt a quickening.  Something inside of me MOVED.  In my head, the voice that had screamed into stale, empty silence for years sensed a gasp of fresh air, the dense, black emptiness was sliced open with a fragment of blinding light, and in the startled shock that followed, that voice found freedom.

It escaped.

*I* escaped.

I won’t say that I’m a great photographer.  I have a lot of technical learning to do, and I do not spend as much time behind my camera as I should.

I WILL say that I am proud of the best pictures I take, when I press the button I can make my camera capture the image I picture in my head, and most of the time my work doesn’t suck.

And, if the thing I’m photographing is something I truly love?

Well, then my pictures look like this.

kidsRead More

19
Jul

The Body Image Project – “she’s completely mental”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 18.

This will be the first Body Image Project post that does not include a picture, but of all the parts of me that make me who I am, this one does the most.

My brain.

I’m not kidding when I say this – I believe one hundred million percent that my brain is my best feature.

I suppose that could be kind of a sad thing.  In the same way people say “she’s got a great personality” to cover a perceived physical deficit, saying “my brain is my best feature” could appear to be an aesthetic cop-out.

It is, kind of, but I don’t think that’s sad.

For the majority of my life, I did not feel attractive.  On bad days I STILL feel unattractive.  Even now, even after all the therapy and growth, there are still days when the PMS freight train rolls into the station, unloads baggage and bloaty self-hate, throws tampons at my head, sprinkles body odor on everything, then leaves me to clean up the mess.  I do not feel pretty on those days.

On those days, and on all the days I felt the same sense of disgusting worthlessness before, I chose to define my worth through the one thing I could control, and the one thing that made me unique:

my brain.Read More

16
Jul

The Body Image Project – “give her a hand”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 15.

HI.  My name is Erin, and I have huge hands.

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HUGE.  And I’m not just saying that.  I’m not being particularly hard on myself, I’m being quite literal.  Most people agree with me.

I call them “man hands.”  My sister-in-law calls them “shman hands.”  In high school, my friends called them clubs.  Or catchers’ mitts.  Bear paws, man mitts, huge grips, lobster claws.  Fists of steel.  I have been called “Mitsy,” “Handsy,” “Shmanny,” “Slappy,” and “Gripsy.”

Almost all of these names are legitimate.Read More

07
Jul

The Body Image Project – “give me any lip”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 7.

This is my beautiful Norah.  She is my first kid and my only daughter.

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Not to be all “mom” or whatever, but I think she’s gorgeous.

This is my beautiful sister.  I am older by two years.  She is prettier by two million light years.

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Do you see the resemblance between these two lovelies?

I do.  Every day.

Not only are these two ladies alike in temperament (spunky, charismatic, kind, intelligent, creative, funny, people-loving, extrovert socialites), they are alike in appearance as well.

Wide set eyes.  Dark lashes.  Pug noses, long legs, broad shoulders.

AND THE LIPS.Read More

05
Jul

The Body Image Project – “thick skin”

Topic / The Body Image Project

July 5.

Deep down inside, I am a pimply fat girl.

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Although this revelation makes many (The Mr. included) roll their eyes with a deep sigh and “…um, whatever,” the pimply part is not without warrant.  From the ages of 15 through 17, and then again from 18 to 20, my skin was terrible.

Terrible, awful, no good, very bad, horrible.

I think that someone else looking at my face back then could have said “disgusting.”  I wouldn’t blame them.  It was kind of disgusting, especially if they weren’t a fan of pus or scabs.

[Ew and oh no, as I write that I cringe and shake my head.  Truth is hard sometimes.]

As life would have it, other people looking at my face back then DID say “disgusting.”Read More

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